REAL Shoes!

Yahoo! Yesterday, for the first time since my surgery, I put on REAL shoes!! Ok, so yesterday it was sandals and today was tennis shoes, (Is that right, tennis shoes? It looks funny.) but at least they were shoes and not my not-so-beloved boot!

Walking is a bit rough, rolling my toe isn't so easy still, but I can feel the stretching, which is good. As my doc keeps saying, use it or lose it! I'm thrilled with the progress so far.... I got to take a long walk with Rigby this afternoon, which was the first time since my surgery that I could do that with two shoes....

Man. You really don't appreciate your feet until they are messed up. If you have good feet, consider yourself blessed!!

On to the "Walking" Cast

Last Thursday I got rid of my beloved scooter and upgraded (at least in the form of progress towards full recovery) to a "walking" boot! They once again took all the bandages off and I got to see my someone still gross looking foot again. I can say it looks like it is healing well, but yeah, it is still pretty gross.

Now, my "walking" boot should really be called a shuffling boot. Given that I can't bend my ankle in it, you can't really walk in it, even if it doesn't hurt (which most of the time, it does not). Not to mention this sucker is heavy. I would guess it weights something similar to the cast I had before, only now I'm trying to walk with it.

My other boot complaint? The boot puts my foot up a good 2 - 2 1/2 inches off the ground. So I have to wear a heel of some type on my second foot, just so I even out. Luckily I had a pair of Dansko sandles that have a serious base and heel to them (but not like "heels") so I don't kill myself walking in it. Seriously, trying to walk with a flat shoe and the boot would really mess up your hips I think. I found one other pair of shoes that I got a the Walking Company that also seem to do the trick.

Either way though, I'll take it. The boot definitely lets me get around a lot better (even if it is much slower) than the scooter. The scoots served it's purpose, but I'm glad I can now get my own breakfast and hopefully I'll take a standing shower soon. The shower chair is getting old.

Stupid Cripple Moment #2: PAIN

So my next stroke of post-surgery brilliance came the night after I got my new cast put on (that was May 17th, in case you were wondering.)

I was so excited to get the old cast off and the staples out of my foot I could have died. It felt like a major accomplishment (which sounds stupid, since I wasn't really doing anything) in the recovery process. Taking the staples out really didn't hurt (which I really thought it would) and the whole process was pretty easy and painless. Unfortnately, it also meant getting a new cast on, which always sort of sucks. Not that the process sucks, simply that having one sucks, on the upside, I thought the next time this baby came off, it would be the end of my hard cast days!

We got the soft wrapping of the foot all done (they do this to protect the wound), and I even tested it out (putting weight on my foot for the first seconds in weeks) and it seemed fine. They put the cast on (and in fact, I could even see my toes!) and sent my on my way. My doc left with the wise (and now forboding) parting words of, "Remember, it is supposed to be hurting less now, not more." Everything seemed fine....

...until about 3 hours later. My foot started to hurt. More specifically my big toe and the joint started to hurt. A lot. Zach came home from work and saw one pathetic wife on the couch. I thought maybe the pain was just from the doc minipulating my toe (which was awefully painful on its own) and maybe he over did it. Frankly, it was probably the worst pain I had felt up to that point with this whole thing. This should have been a rather obvious sign that something was wrong and that I should do something about it. But of course I didn't.

I eventually crawled up the stairs (I think there might have been some crying involved) and went to bed, doped up on Vicodin, in hopes of a decent night sleep and a better morning.

Amazingly, I woke up feeling not too bad. I went to work, and it still wasn't too bad. I called the doctor anyways, since that "call if it hurts" warning was still in my head. With the report that was CURRENTLY feeling not too bad, they scheduled an appointment for the following day, just to be sure.

I went home, still feeling not too bad. I hit the couch and got my foot up and it started to hurt. I took some Vicodin, hopeing it would help. By the time Zach got home (about 8 or 8:30) it was terrible pain and had taken as much Vicodin as was allowed. It was rivaling the night before, however I could barely even set it down on a pillow without more pain. I kept holding my foot higher and higher, but then I couldn't put it down again without excrushiating pain. This was getting ugly.

After an hour or so of back and fourth about what to do (Try to cut the cast off? Go to the ER? Dope me up and wait for tomorrow's appointment?) we decided to do the logical thing. We called the "emergency" number on the doc's card. The number went to his poor wife's cell phone!

We (and by "we" I mean Zach, I could barely talk at this point, other than cries of pain) got the doc on the phone and aftering hearing about the pain (and the fact that I could barely move my big toe) he told us to meet him at the office at 11:00 pm. His assumption was that the cast was simply too tight.

I felt terrible, but at least he thought it important enough to meet up with us in the middle of the night. We made it to the car, although I don't recall exactly how. The doc got the cast off pretty quick, and although there wasn't instant relief, it definitely felt better. As the doc got the x-ray machine ready (to make sure everything really was OK) Zach and I watched as my foot twitched itself back to regular blood flow. My ankle could barely hold up my foot for more than a few seconds, which I guess goes to show how fast atrophy really happens!

A few x-rays later, the doc decided that everything internally was ok (I think he was concerned we might have missed something from last week's fall). He played around with my toe again (which HURT!) and pressed on the bottom of my foot where I was feeling a lot of the pain the night before. He decided I probably had a little spot of internal bleeding/pooling there, which was causing the pain, but with lighter wrapping should take care of itself.

He VERY lightly rewrapped my foot, and re-did the cast. The cast is now only up to a little above my ankle (I think it looks like a big old boot) and with a lot less extra padding then he had added the last time. We were on our way by a little after midnight, with the extra precaution of a prescription for another round of antibiotics, just to be 100% sure.

Since then, the foot has been fine. A little tightness here and there, but no real PAIN.

Lesson learned, when your doc says you shouldn't feel pain, call the moment you do. You'll spare you and your doctor the nightmare of an 11 pm trip to the office!

Stupid Cripple Moment #1: The Scooter and I Bite the Dust

Oh updates.. how I have neglected you, and with so much excitement, I don't know how I could!

So two weeks ago Wednesday (May 12th if you're keeping track) I was scooting my way out of Village Hall (where I work). As I was coming out something happened, I'd like to say that a bunny ran out in front of me, and in my efforts not to roll right over it, I fell, but I didn't. I can't even really tell you what happened. All I know is that before I knew it, I was falling. In that great, slow motion movie kind of way.

All I remember thinking was, "Oh Shit" and "Don't hit the foot!". I mostly landed in the grass, but my toes scrapped the sidewalk. A nice resident walking up helped me up, as did one of our Trustees who had walked out a few seconds before me. I was pretty sure I was totally fine physically, my ego, was probably another story.

I got to my car and had to catch my breath and my composure. Falling is always scary, but falling when there is NO way to catch yourself (other than your arms) is pretty terrifying. I was shaking like a leaf in my car, and finally realized that I had no idea if I had actually done any damage to myself. I hit my left (i.e. the injured leg's) knee on the ground (minor, although no bleeding scrape there). Then I wanted to check my toe. But I can't see my toes in my cast. Shit.

So what did I do? I whipped out my camera phone to take pictures of my toes and make sure all was well. It took a number of tries to get the angle right, but I finally confirmed that 1) I still had a big toe. 2) It wasn't bleeding. BUT 3) I had scraped off quite a bit of the toe nail on my big toe in the process. Uh oh.

Once I was pretty sure nothing really hurt, I called my husband. After a good laugh about my fall (I must admit, it was pretty damn funny), we confirmed that I should continue with my afternoon and not call the doc quite yet. If I had any major pain or bleeding, then we'd call. Otherwise, the hubs would check out the toes in the evening and see what he thought.

Upon inspection, we decided to call the doc in the AM, just to make sure. After all, the doc did say to call if you had any falls, and frankly this was kind of a doozy. Upon the report of a fall, the nurse immediately made me an appointment for that afternoon. Evidently they take that stuff seriously.

After a little ribbing upon my arrival, the doc did x-rays, and confirmed what I suspected, everything was fine. Crisis averted.

Or should I say, one crisis down, a few more to go. This whole being without a foot thing, is pretty rough.

Post Surgery Update: Lessons Learned So Far

Ok, so it has only been a little over a week, but I feel I've learned a few important lessons so far, and here they are:

1) People are really nice and will offer to help you when you look pathetic. My boss even met me at the front door of our building and parked my car for me when it was raining earlier this week. Don't try to play too cool for help, take it when it is offered!

2) Personal injury is really a great conversation starter. That probably sounds bad, but seriously, people who I see every day but don't know well, will have full on conversations with my about my foot problems when they see the cast. And it seems, almost every woman I know has foot problems, or at least knows someone else who does. Guys on the other hand, just want to know about the scooter. If they can try it, we'll probably be friends for life.

3) Shower chairs (at least for an injury) are a TOTAL RIP OFF. We went to CVS looking for a shower chair and only found $70 versions. You know what also works well? A plastic patio chair, and at $10 that was still probably a rip off, but we didn't want to bother with another store. And I am happy to report, the chair works perfectly! (Also purchased were a handheld shower unit and a cast cover, each $20). Although $50 worth of stuff just to shower seems stupid, it is 100% worth it not to have to take another bath. Baths are only fun when you don't have to actually clean yourself in them.

4) Knee Walkers/Roll-A-bouts, or my "Scooter" as it is lovingly referred to, are the best invention ever. I love my scooter. I can get around, avoid crutches and it is even kind of fun. Not to mention it is a great conversation starter with total strangers who are always amazed by your awesome device. I'm like a one-woman advertisement, but seriously, I'd be 10 times as miserable right now if I had to use crutches.

5) Repeat the mantra, "It will be over before I know it." Especially when I've once again forgotten something I need all the way upstairs. A good sense of humor, and a great husband (or other helper) are key to a smooth recovery. If you feel bad for yourself all the time, your recovery period will totally suck. You've got to do what you can, and ask for help when you can't. Even though it feels like the longest time ever (I know my days on the couch felt like a week, and they lasted 5 days.) it really is just a blip in your life. Hopefully a blip that will make the rest of life easier with a pain free foot!

6) The movies are wonderful. ADA accessible, and if you get their early, you can put your foot up on the railing in the front row and life is good! We're not usually big movie goers, but man, being out of the house and feeling minorly social felt FANTASTIC!

Post Surgery - Day 7

Well, it is officially 1 week since my surgery! A week ago right now I was just waking up in the recovery room...

My foot felt decent when I got home last night, and I had a lot more energy than the previous night (as in, I didn't just fall asleep on the couch!). I haven't been taking any of the pain meds since last Tuesday morning, so I think that is a great sign!

I know it sounds odd, but I'm a little concerned that having my foot up so much is giving me bad (or maybe I should say worse) posture! As I sit here at my desk trying to keep my foot up on my CPU, I keep finding myself slouching over to one side of my chair. I think it is mostly because I am NOT flexible, and actually keeping my foot up pretty much feels like a constant stretch if I'm sitting up straight. I really should have kept up with those yoga classes... they were making me much more stretchy and helping with my back strength. That would be awfully helpful right now!

Zach and I talked about possibly going to a movie with some friends this weekend! I don't know why, but the idea of getting out of the house and doing something fun (other than work) has gotten me VERY excited. I guess that's what I get for being couped up in the house for a week straight. The only downside is that I won't really be able to sit up in the riser area of the theatre, given my bum foot, and I really prefer that area over the flat part at the front. :( Small price to pay to get out of the house though!!

Post Surgery Update - Days 5 & 6

Day 5

I decided it was time to head to work. I woke up way earlier than necessary (I wasn't sure how long it would take to get ready!) and headed in to work a little early. I was feeling good to go and happy to get dressed in normal clothes and getting out of the house!!

Driving was a little difficult in the cast. Even though the cast is on my left foot, it was tough to find a position to sit my foot that wasn't awkward.

Getting to work all the ladies at the front desk were fascinated with the Turning Leg Caddie. Basically, it is a scooter with a platform for my knee and not my foot. I can rest my knee on it comfortably and not need crutches. I love it. I told the whole story for the first of about a dozen times that day and I was on my way upstairs.

Up in the office I quickly got the nickname "Scooter". My boss can't help but chuckle every time he sees the scooter. I won't lie, it is pretty amusing.

Trying to find a position to lay my foot and keep it up was a bit trying. I tried getting the caddie under my desk, but it didn't really sit right. Currently my CPU is a decent leg rest, as is the top of my desk. Either case though, I end up sitting a little funny to accommodate the position. Hopefully I won't end up hurting my hips or knees with the strange positioning.

I made it through the day, but it was definitely a little rough. My foot was definitely swollen when I got home and I was quickly told to get on the couch, get my foot up and relax. Which I did. We ate dinner and I fell asleep on the couch. I guess I was more tired then I thought!

Day 6

Back at work again, but questioning if it will be a full day. My foot definitely feels more swollen today, likely as a result of my day yesterday. I'm keeping it up and trying my best. We shall see how the day goes!

I can safely say I'm already really sick of how long it takes to do ANYTHING that involves moving. I'm used to getting around quickly and getting stuff done, and I just can't do that now. Hopefully after a few more weeks I'll have the energy to actually do some stuff at home, but right now, getting ready, getting to work, working and getting home is about as much as I can handle! Feeling useless was something I didn't really prepare myself for.

Post Surgery Update!

Post Surgery Day 2

The second day post surgery was much like the first, but Z's mom came to visit and brought soup and some yummy rubarb dessert! It was nice to have someone come to visit, and I think Z liked seeing someone other than my smelly self! The doctor called (or was that Saturday?) and said that my toe still being numb was ok, sometimes it takes up to 36 hours. Well, right around 36 hours I started feeling it, and it hurt!

Oh yeah, and Zach had a lesson, which meant I decided I needed to move up stairs for the first time to avoid being an ugly smelly piece of furniture during his lesson. Moving upstairs meant my smarty pants decided to hop all the way upstairs, which was a stupid idea that really hurt my foot. Since then I've been scooting up the stairs, which is a much better option.

We finally decided to move up to the bedroom to sleep tonight as well. I'm not certain if I slept better or not, but Zach definitely slept better! I am still waking up at 3 to take my anti-inflammatory meds and pain meds.

Post Surgery Day 3 - First Follow-Up!

Monday was my first follow-up day with the doctor! In honor of leaving the house, I decided I should be cleaned. Zach helped me upstairs, we wrapped my foot/wrapping up in a garbage bag and lowered my stinky self into the tub. It was an odd way to bathe, with one leg stuck out of the tub, but it felt good to feel a little cleaner! It was pretty exhausting though.

We headed to the doctors in the afternoon and got to see my foot for the first time! It looks pretty crazy! The whole thing was pretty swollen, and there was quite the line of staples down the two incisions. I got some x-rays of my foot and the doc said all was well. After taking all the bandages off, my poor foot got a few minutes of fresh air before it got wrapped back up. And then it was a full cast! This is my first full cast (it goes up to under my knee) and it is HEAVY! It definitely is very warm as well, which means I have a constantly HOT foot, something I HATE. I still haven't tested the cast with pants, I'm terrified I won't be able to fit pants over my casted foot (The cast is BIG on my foot). Although skirts are always an option (without nylons though, given that I could only nylon up one leg!) I'm a little nervous about the skirt/scooter option. That and the reality that I need my leg up whenever possible, and that and a skirt could mean flashing people unnecessarily!

Post-Surgery Day 4 - Relax/Light Work

I let my work know I'd do my best to make it in to the office on Wednesday, and that I'd be at home trying to work a little on Tuesday. I've started a little work so far, and it is very difficult to concentrate.

The pain today isn't too bad... I took my last 1/2 pain pill some time this morning, I think something like 8:00 or so this morning. I guess it's only 10:30, so that doesn't really mean much hey? :) I'm loosing track of when I took what, which I guess is ok, given that I'm not in sooo much pain that I can't wait for the next one!

Overall I'm most surprised about how difficult it really is to get around. I knew it would be a pain, but I didn't realize how much energy it would take to lug around this cast and wheel around the house. The scooter is definitely better than crutches. My arms hurt from just scooting my butt up and down the stairs a few times yesterday, I can't even imagine how bad they'd hurt if I was using crutches! Still though, maneuvering around with the scooter is tough. Just getting up a few times is pretty exhausting, and having my foot below my heart still hurts and is very distracting. I'm not sure that driving right now is the best idea, and I'm a little scared that tomorrow might be rough still too! Hopefully I can try out a little driving this evening or something, and see how it feels.

Post Surgery - Day 1

Today, Saturday, I awoke still not in any major pain. I can feel the wrapping, it makes my leg feel very heavy (it goes up to under my knee) and I can feel a few of my small toes (Zach tried touching them) but as of 8:00 this morning, I can still barely feel my big toe, or the largest small toe. That makes me a little scared, I'm really hoping that doesn't mean there was nerve damage or anything.

Zach had music lessons today (9:30 am - 1:00 pm) which means he's gone until 2:00 pm or so. It's about 12:37 pm at the moment, and my foot still doesn't really hurt at all. The wrapping feels tight, but that's about it. I'm eating, I feel fine, the pain meds aren't making me too loopy (I can at least read, watch TV etc, which I couldn't last time!). Things are good.

My only current worry is that there is nerve damage or something. It is over 24 hours since I left the surgical center, and I'm still numb in my big toe (or I was at 8 am) I'm going to check with Zach again when he's home in an hour or so. I might also do a little internet research. I can't say I mind the lack of pain, but a little pain is worth a lifetime of FEELING in two toes!! I can't really feel the incisions yet either. I can definitely feel my heel, my leg and my little toes, but those were all locations where no work was done. If there was going to be nerve damage, it would be in the places I can't currently feel!

Surgery Day!

Greetings from the other side! I was already through foot surgery once 10 years ago. I hated every minute of it, it was the most painful experience in my life. Suffice to say, knowing what I was getting in to again, I wasn't thrilled with the concept of going back for more. But I did.

Surgery Day

Surgery was scheduled for 7:30 am on Friday. I had to be at the surgical center at 6:30 am. I couldn't eat of drink after midnight. I ate dinner at about 10:00 pm and had my last glass of water as I went to bed at 10:30 or 11. We were up at 5:00 am for my last regular shower for at least a month and then the drive to the center.

Once at the center, everything went pretty smoothly. We checked in, filled out a few final pieces of paperwork, waited in the waiting room for about 5 minutes, and then they came over to take me back to get ready. I had to put on the terrible little "hospital dress" which was as ugly as always, take my pregnancy test and get settled to wait. All the nurses were amazingly nice and helpful. I got to met my anesthesiologist, and heard the plan for getting me through. I would be doing "twilight sleep" meaning I might very well wake up during surgery, but would likely not remember much.

The nurse came in to put in my IV, in what she said were "little veins". That all went fine and I was hooked up to my IV with antibiotics started. We waited a little longer for the doc to show (I think he was running a little late!). Him and another doctor came in, which would be assisting him in the surgery. Both were nice and making jokes, which was nice. Once they were there, I was whisked back to the operating room where they got me moved to the surgical bed and got me hooked up. The anesthesiologist got me started on the stuff to knock me out, and I was OUT. I remember waking up a few times. I remember saying I was cold and trying to stay awake, but wasn't very successful. I know I heard some mechanical noises (maybe a drill or some screwing?) but went right back to sleep.

Back in the recovery room I woke up pretty quickly. Taking one look at the clock I realized we were running a little behind and asked the nurse to go tell my hubby everything was ok. I know he was probably out there worrying about me!

They took quite a bit of my monitoring devises off. Then they offered me water. I've never been so excited about getting something to drink in my life! The nurse mentioned my eyes lit up when I saw the glass... I was SOO thirsty!! The not eating before the surgery was fine, but the next drinking was KILLER for me. I usually drink a lot of water, so it was rough for me.

They kept me in the recovery room for about an hour, and the anesthesiologist and doc visited me. All went well, except evidently the old screw in my toe was a b**tch to get out. They actually had to drill around it a little, and then use some needle nose pliers to twist it out. Otherwise things went well. They gave me some prescriptions and directions, and I actually remember them!

The eventually wheeled me out in a wheelchair to my waiting husband and quickly I was in the car and on my way home (it was roughly 11 am)! Zach dropped me off at home and went to get my drugs and some jell-o. We got my foot up on the couch, and the animals came to smell what was going on with my foot. Once Zach was back, I hit up the jell-o and some pudding to see if I could keep some food down. SUCCESS! Given the failure last time I had surgery, I was thrilled to be able to eat. Next we hit up the soup, and decided to take the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory, to see if I could keep it down. SUCCESS!

I thought they said the numbing agent would last 8 - 12 hours (but now I'm thinking it was 8 - 24 at least!) I followed all the directions I got (foot up, ice 20 minutes of every hour, take the meds, eat). The nurses said following the directions should make the numbing agent last longer. I would have done anything she said!!!

Around 7 pm I had the hubby make some dinner (frozen bertoli pasta in a bag) and scarfed down some food. Once again, no sickness!! We decided to split one of they hydrocodone I was sent home with, to see if I could keep it down. Once again, SUCCESS! I figured the numbing agent would start wearing off soon, so I decided to take 1/2 a hydrocodone every 4 - 6 hours (in accordance with the directions, but they actually recommended the full pill). I eventually fell asleep on the couch around midnight, still with a numb ass foot. I woke up at 3 to take the next anti-inflammatory and another pain pill. Foot still number, life was gong well! :)

Appreciating Time...

I spend a lot of time dwelling on the future. I'm a planner, always have been, always will. Sometimes I think I actually enjoy planning things more than I even enjoy doing them.

I have a vary difficult time "living in the moment". I put it in quotes mostly because I don't even really know what that means to me. I'm here, I'm living, but am I "in the moment"? Probably not. My mind is usually racing to the next thing I need to do, I'm often a few steps ahead of myself. The things I need to do now? Not too interested. I'm busy planning the next vacation, the next week or the next project. Sometimes it's a miracle I get anything done.

A few years ago I took a little training seminar for work, and one of the first sessions was about time management. At first I didn't think it could mean much to me, but for my personal life I think it could be very meaningful.

I think a lot of people are familiar with the concept of putting your money towards things you value, kind of a "put your money where your mouth is" type idea. In the same respect, I think I need to start focusing on putting my time where my mouth is. (Time is money right?!)

Realistically, on a typical week, I probably spend at least 20 hours watching TV, including weekends. Some of it, is watching shows I love, but the vast majority of it is just mindless TV. Of course some level of relaxation is good, but I think I'm way past that. There are things I want to do with my time! Craft projects to pursue, family to visit, shopping to do! All that TV watching is really getting in the way. Yet somehow, I get home and I plop myself down on the couch and watch TV for 3 hours a night and suddenly, it's bed time. What a waste of life.

I wasn't always like this, I swear. I spent College working a part (almost full) time job and easily finished all my school work. I when through Grad School with a 20+ hour a week job, no problem. When I have had a million things that simply HAVE to get done, I make it happen. I know it sounds crazy, but working 40 hours a week and having all this "spare" time is really making me lazy.

Looking at the numbers, 20 hours!? of shitty TV?!, really makes me think of all the work I could be doing in that time. I could have had a million projects completed in those hours, hundreds of dollars in crafting projects (well, if I actually sold them), tons of wonderful meals cooked, books read, hours of quality time, you name it.

That's it... I'm going to put my time where my mouth is and stop being so damn lazy. As Nike would say, Just Do It! I'm not sure how that is supposed to sell me shoes... but whatever. :)

Weddings are Dangerous...

So I haven't written here in well... forever it seems.

The wedding has taken over my life (well, at least my non-work life) and eaten my spare time up with projects and planning. It probably doesn't help that we decided in December that we were going to get married in a few months. By a few months, I mean February 13th. Oh yeah, and plan a 12-day Mediteranean Cruise with a Parisian side trip to boot. Yeah, I'm nuts.

That is a lot of planning to do in like basically 2 months. It seemed like a long time when I started, but it has gotten away from me very quickly. Early on I created a little breakdown of the tasks that would need to be accomplished each week. The lists have gotten longer, but having only 2 months really teaches one to prioritize. It also kept my crazy ideas in check. Our invitations were awesome handmade little works of art. They took a lot of time and energy, but given that our guest list is 25 people we love, it was 100% worth the effort.

Last weekend my mom and I made a bouquet for me and a corsage for Z out of all vintage flowers. I must say, it is pretty awesome.

I'm still mulling over doing some type of a handmade "favor". I hate the word "favor". Given that we're down to two weekends, it might not happen. I'm still not over the idea though.

Unfortunately, all the time I've spent wedding/honeymoon planning has left virtually NO time for other types of planning. Like business planning, and craft planning.

I can't wait for the wedding, and I can't wait to have some time to plot and plan some of my business ventures after that. We've got quite a bit of downtime on the ship during our vacation, and I'm hoping to spend some of that doing some business brain storming.

I'm hoping to set up some business goals for 2010 and actually meet them. Secretly, I'm hoping that some day I'll find myself working from home full-time doing crafty stuff I love. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do now. It just doesn't fulfull the creative side of my life, and I love that more.

Combining Finances....

Sucks.

I shouldn't say that... the end result won't really suck, but I can safely say the process if not much fun. It's awkward and uncomfortable... but I guess it's necessary.

You see, I have always been a very independent person. In the last few years I had develop quite the little budgeting system for myself, which included a list of what bills get paid by which paycheck (I get paid every two weeks, so basically it came out to what gets paid the first half of the month and the second) and then how much money I had to do with as I pleased. Included in that was a plan to pay off all my credit card debit, save for vacations and save for a 6-month "emergency fund". Yes, I had actually started doing that! I was very proud of how far I had come. I knew exactly what I made, and I knew pretty much where every cent of it was going.

When Zach and I first started living together I paid "rent", which covered my half of the mortgage and other home related bills each month. When we went grocery shopping we'd split the bill, and at times we'd each just sort of cover it. It took some getting used to, but it worked.

Then earlier this year Zach and I decided to refinance the house and officially put me on the mortgage. (Isn't that sweet, at the time I didn't have a ring but I did have the 30-year mortgage commitment. Nothing says love like sharing major debt!) Then Zach and I decided to create a "household" checking account (Yeah, I know. We were just tipping our toe into the pool of joint finances). We added up all the "household" bills, including all the usual stuff and then added food and other household type supplies to the list. We figured out about how much each of us would pay towards this account, and so we each tried to do that. I did mine direct deposit (because my work makes that nice and easy and it makes the checking account free!). Zach would deposit when he could.

Here is where the trouble started. I worry about money, well, a lot. I check my checking account on-line every day (Except on vacation, but well, that is mostly because I don't generally have Internet access). I have spreadsheets that detail when debt will be paid off. I signed up for mint.com so I could see where all my money was going. Is it all a little OCD? Probably. But I spent a lot of time in my past feeling NO control over my money, and I hated that. I like knowing where it is going and knowing I'll have enough to pay all the bills all the time. Hence all the lists and spreadsheets and madness. It all gives me the sense of control over my money that I really need.

Well, when Zach and I joined forces, it was no longer that easy any more. Zach's current financial position is less constant than mine, so he gets money throughout the month at various times, including often just cash. Zach's money doesn't magically show up in the account (he has to actually deposit it) and I found myself having to remind him about depositing the necessary money for his half of the bills. I would worry he didn't have enough, but wouldn't want to tell me. It wasn't too bad though. There weren't too many "variables" because mostly, it was just the regular bills, food and household stuff (lots of trips to Target!) and I was still basically paying for most of my personal stuff myself, and frankly I had a lot of "extra" money to spend as I pleased. I could fairly easily see that we were generally on track for our joint stuff, and I had to make comfort with that fact.

Well, then, Zach went to what I'll call "full" unemployment. Meaning his dad's company wasn't paying anything and it was no longer paying any of the benefits it was before (health insurance and gas mainly). So our household now had more bills to pay and less to pay it with. It became increasingly obvious that combining financial forces was the only option to make ends meet at our house. So now we're in the process of just having a joint checking account, and paying all bills and everything out of the joint account.

Suffice to say all the work that goes into changing everything over to a new checking account is 0% fun. Virtually all my bills are on auto-pay, so I had to go back and switch them all over to the joint account to get paid. Zach is still in the process of doing the same. So far, only one bill didn't get paid on time because of the change over, which isn't too bad.

The bad part? I've lost all of my sense of happy money controlling security. I'm trying to spreadsheet my way to happiness with the joint situation... but so far I'm coming up pretty darn short. You see, we've learned here that Zach and I have been using two VERY different means to control our checking accounts.

Zach was using the, I pay each of my bills as the come in, and I generally have X amount sitting in my checking account. He liked writing out the checks for each bill, so he knew exactly where his money was going. As he told me, if the X amount was going up, he would throw some into savings, or pay off some extra credit card or other bills. Oh yeah, and Zach likes paying for everything in cash if he can. He likes having a lot of cash on him. That's just how he rolls.

I, on the other hand, used a system of auto-bill pay. Half of my bills were paid with the first paycheck of the month, the second half with the second paycheck and they all paid themselves. I marked on my google calender when each would come out, but that was it, I barely thought about that money at all. I knew I had X amount of each paycheck to spend as I saw fit for gas, clothing or whatever else I wanted. Rarely would all of X not get spent. You see for me, when there was money waiting around, I like to spend it on fun stuff. I already had a fairly aggressive debt paying off plan built into the bill paying, so I was comfortable with those and didn't feel a strong need to pay off more with my fun money. Man do I love spending fun money. Oh, and cash? I don't really like having cash on me. A little is fine, but more than $100 and I get uncomfortable. I like using my debit card so I can track where the money goes easily.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that these two money schemes aren't going to be very compatible. So how do we do it?

If you've got a good plan, let me know. :) We're still working through it. I think a lot of compromising is going to be in the schedule. For the moment we're reading "Smart Couples Finish Rich" which is a somewhat hokey book (You have to get past the idea that he has copyrighted half of the stupid gimmicky phrases he uses.) on I guess planning to become rich. I think you can imagine who purchased this book... but Zach seems in to the idea of getting us on the right track (and I think that getting rich part didn't hurt). It seems to have helped to foster some discussion about our joint financial situation and our joint financial future, which were both needed. I'll let you know how our progress goes!

A Little Move...

In an effort not to bore people with all my wedding thoughts (unless they want to hear them) I've moved my wedding related blabbering over to another blog.

Check out http://lefthandedpartnersincrime.blogspot.com/ to view any and all of my wedding thoughts and mussings!

Please Explain

Go take a look at this wonderful item listed on Amazon:

Amazon.com: Master Lock 7113D Cash Box with 7-Compartment Tray: Home Improvement

Now scroll down to the "Frequently Bought Together" portion. Can someone please explain why a lock box and black satin sheets are "frequently" purchased "together"?

Just thought I would share.

I'm becoming a statistic!

Well... I guess I shouldn't say that it was inevitable... but it probably was. Tomorrow (I learned today because I'm in the boss' office!) my employer is announcing that all non-Union employees will be required to take 15 fulough days over the next 15 months.

I'm trying to focus on the positive. That is 15 days off! As an exempt employee (meaning I'm salaried and therefore not eligible for good stuff like overtime) that means 3 one week vacations over the next year and a half, which will come in handy with the wedding and what not coming up. I generally only have 2 weeks of vacation a year, so I've been stocking up on vacation days with the hopes of being able to use them in the upcoming year for the three time-off activities I had planed for next year (Paris, wedding and honeymoon!). I guess all that stocking away of days isn't really necessary now... I'll have plenty of time!

What won't come in handy? Um... 15 days less pay over the 15 months. That essentially amounts to a 5.8% reduction in pay, which I think means I'll make about as much as I was making when I started this job a year and a few months ago. It wouldn't be so bad if I was still stocking away all that money I was making off the raise (It was supposed to be my vacation savings!) but with Zach not bringing in as much right now, every penny I make is pretty much going towards our household expenses. I haven't really been saving a dime for wedding or other "fun" expenses, let alone the raining day fund I was hoping to begin. You know, that 6 months emergency reserve everyone is "supposed" to have, I was actually trying to do that! So much for that....

On the plus side, Zach has been doing really well with getting new students for his budding piano teaching business, and he is bringing in more money every week. Hopefully his new income should be able to replace my minor reduction.

Ok... I'm over it. I wanted to feel bad for myself for a second, and now I'm done. I am blessed to be employed right now given the economy, so I need to just get over it. I can still help support my little family, I can still pay the bills, and we still live a really GOOD life. I can't very well complain about that right?

I'll just consider this God's way of telling me to get a little more crafting in. I guess I'm going to have more time for Squirreled Away business adventures...

Now That is Love...

Yesterday I had the joy of going in for a minor medical test and Zach got to be my "designated driver". Suffice to say that the procedure involved me not being able to eat for basically 1 1/2 days and required the consumption of some less then fun liquids to help clean things out. It hasn't been the most enjoyable few days of my life, but it made me realize how my Zach loves me.

As we were driving the the hospital he said he had a tough time sleeping the night before because he was so worried about me. In fact he was still a bit of a nervous wreck on the way there... he was more nervous than I was! Then, as I was waking up post-procedure, as soon as my eyes were open he said, "I'm not letting you close your eyes in here again!" On the way home he confessed that it was pretty scary seeing me all passed out and hooked up to tubes and such. "Not exactly an easy way to see you," he said.

Then, if those first few pieces of adorableness weren't enough, he cleaned up my mess when I managed to get sick all over the living room floor after my first attempt to eat solid food failed. No questions asked, no gross faces, no comments, nothing, he just quickly cleaned up the situation and went on about his business.

Now that is love.

I love you Zach! Thank you for being there for me, it means the world. :)

Wedding Things I'm excited about.... Installment #1

Ok, after my rant I thought it might be good to start thinking about what wedding related items I might actually be excited about, since there are a few.

#1 - Paper Goodies - I love paper and I love paper products. What I REALLY love is letterpress, but my wallet does not agree with my love affair. When I bought my Gocco I was convinced that would be how I would create my invitations (or whatever it is we end up doing). After a few minutes and a goggle search for "Gocco wedding invitations" I'm quickly reminded of the wonders of the Gocco and how much fun it would be too produce something wonderful for the wedding with it. Now if I could just remember to actually purchase some more supplies before they run out....

#2 - Dress Shopping - Although I am a little terrified at the idea of shopping for a dress in a BRIDAL store (where they all cost too much and look beautiful). I am not at all scared of shopping for a dress. I'm thinking shopping for a off-white dress in a non-bridal store, might be best for me. That way I can avoid all the pushy sales people and just shop at my own pace. Now if only Anthropologie would start making wedding dresses...

#3 - The Honeymoon! - I love me a good vacation, so I'll take any excuse in the book to go on one. Zach and I have already been on 3 lengthy vacations (Dominican Republic for a friend's wedding, Vegas/California and our recent trip to New Orleans/Mexican Cruise) so this is by no means our first trip away together. We know each others quirks and limits and we know what we like. Each vacation we've taken we've learned a lot about ourselves and I think they've always brought us closer. I am sure that this vacation will be no different! I am just trying to fight the urge to make this "the" vacation and spending a boat load on it. We'll have other vacations!

Wow, I'm happy to report 3 things I'm actually excited about for the wedding. I know that 3 things isn't exactly a ton, but it is something right?

I'm a Deadbeat Bride

I’ve been thinking a lot about my pending nuptials. It has been almost a month already, and I’m starting to get the distinct feeling that my time for not having a wedding plan is running out. In all my thinking, a certain Sex and the City episode keeps running through my head. In it, Carrie gets engaged to Aden, and she is trying to get in the bridal mode. She even goes so far as to try on gowns and ends up getting a rash. In her little “inner monologue typing” she says,

“As progressive as our society claims to be, there are still certain life targets we’re all supposed to hit: marriage, babies and a home to call your own. But what if instead of breaking out into a smile, you break out into a rash? Is it something wrong with the system or is it you? And do we really want these things, or are we just programmed?"

I keep going back and forth between wanting a wedding and not wanting anything to do with it. In the days following my engagement I spent a few hours looking at possible locations and possible ideas and I just couldn’t even stomach the thought. A location that costs $3,000 just to rent? Then I have to pay even more for food and booze? I’m getting a little nauseous just at the thought of it. Of course you can go cheaper, but not for a place with any personality or pizzazz.

I know I already posted my idea of a tiny wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center and then a party at Ravinia. I’m still not 100% sold, but I’m getting closer every day. The Ravinia idea has its perks (and its costs) depending on how we did it, but I still think that would be a wonderful idea that would keep the pressure off of doing the typical “wedding” things. No cake cutting, no need for flowers or any of those other trappings. Unfortunately though, lawn seats for Ravina are at least $25 per person, and then if I actually catered food beyond that (yes, Ravinia does that), the price gets up there quickly. The idea of trying to cart in food and booze for even 50 people is a little daunting… although it could definitely be done if necessary.

I’m not going to lie and say there isn’t a little tiny part of me that worries I’m missing out on something by not doing a big production of a wedding. That some day I might regret not having a million formal pictures of me in a big white dress with the family. More often that not, those are pretty fleeting thoughts, and a pretty big “what if someday”. But right now, I’m not a big white dress girl. Zach and I don’t have any type of familial obligations that a lot of other people do. No one is pressuring us to have a big wedding, in fact a few of them have actually nudged us in other directions.

I guess I just have other priorities in my life than a wedding. What I really want is to be married and start living the “rest of my life” part. I dream of making my little craft business something worthwhile and Zach finding a job he loves, is happy in and provides us with enough (between the two of us) for financial stability. I dream of wonderful vacations and making our next house a real home before we have kids. I dream of having kids and being a loving, wonderful, supportive mom. What I don’t dream about is a wedding.

I was getting teary-eyed just writing that, but it is the truth. I dream of bigger and better things than a wedding. I dream of a wonderful, full and amazing life. I know that for a lot of people the wedding party at the beginning of that is a great kick-off, but for us it just isn’t right and I guess what I have to realize is that it is OK to want something other than what I’m “supposed” to want from a wedding.

Zach and I were talking about honeymoons (it’s the one area that he is really interested in!) and I mentioned something about wanting to do a helicopter tour if we went to Hawaii, “since it would probably be the only time we got to go there”. His response was, “Why would you say this is the only time we would go? Who’s to say we won’t be back?” It makes me happy to think that I have a partner who wants to go to Hawaii twice and more importantly provided me with the perspective that I want in this whole process. Who’s to say we can’t do any of this again? Plenty of people have vow-renewal ceremonies, hold big parties for anniversaries and the whole thing. This doesn’t have to be “the” wedding, party, dress, honeymoon etc. If I “regret” whatever choices we make now, we can just do them over in a decade or two.

Wow… this post is really lacking focus. Sorry about that. I tend to think things out through writing, which is exactly what I did here. I feel much better about doing our own thing now, whatever that might be.

I've Got A New Piece of Jewelry...

I am happy to announce that Zach and I are officially engaged! He popped the question last weekend on a lazy Saturday afternoon around the house. He had initially planned to make a big deal out of it, but realized I would probably see that coming from a mile away. The true surprise was a much better plan. :)

Here's a picture of my lovely new bling:

Ok, now ever since I've gotten this thing (and I mean that with all the affection in the world) on my finger I haven't really been sure how to deal with it. I know that most girls want to scream from rooftops and stop strangers on the street to share the good news, but I'm not that type of girl. I love Zach and I couldn't be more thrilled that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, but broadcasting that to the world from every outlet available just seems like bragging. Is that bad? I feel a little sheepish telling people on my own, so I am thankful that I am surrounded by people who are more than willing the share the news for me. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED, I just don't know how to tell people about something that really feels pretty personal.

I guess I better get over it though, since the "Did you set a date yet?" questions have started, and I'm sure will not stop until we get around to that date setting stuff. Maybe that is where my hesitiation really lies... Zach and I have already discussed that we will not be having a big traditional wedding. There will be not traditional ceremony, no church, no cake cutting, no big rubber-chicken reception. I guess knowing that makes me hesistant to share our potential plans because I know that there are a lot expectations about weddings and what they should and shouldn't be. I'm pretty sure that our plan will likely fall into the "shouldn't" category!

With that being said, here are our thoughts (or I should probably say really MY thoughts, with at least a nod of semi-approval from Z):

1) Wedding - I had initially thought Courthouse, but that just didn't seem right. A great happy medium? The Chicago Cultural Center does civil ceremonies for $10 (in addition to the usual marriage license fees) on Saturday mornings from 9 - noon. You have to register in advance, but you get to get married in what looks to be a gorgeous old building downtown! You can bring family and friends, but you might have to wait a little to get in the room with the judge. I must say I am pretty smitten with the idea... and it wouldn't be totally strange to have a friend of ours photograph the event so we have something to look back on. And, as Zach pointed out, we could have everyone go to our favorite restaurant, Marge's Still, for lunch afterwords.

2) A Wedding PARTY! - I refuse to refer to whatever we decide to do as a "reception" since it won't involve the usual trappings of that type of affair. An initial thought was a bar with bar food type party, but that isn't really as "us" as I would like and renting out a bar (even just a room) is EXPENSIVE! My second, and current, thought was Ravinia! Zach and I have some of our fondest memories at Ravinia (we even celebrated our first dating anniversary there!) and there is nothing better than hanging out on that lawn, listing to great music, drinking wine and enjoying yourself. There are a variety of options open to make a ravinia evening easier to manage for a decent sized group, including full tent parties down to just catering. If we were really ambitious, we could even just bring all the food ourselves! We're still trying to work out some of the details on this one (it could get pretty expensive too) but so far, I'm really like this idea!

3) HONEYMOON! - I'll be honest, this is the part we're really the most excited about. In fact, I think if it were up to Zach alone, it would be pretty much the only part :) We're still batting around a lot of ideas, must of which (at least for me) center around a cruise ship. I loved our cruise vacation back in February, and I can't wait to get back on another ship and set sail for multiple destinations in such a short period of time! My biggest problem is the "hell, it's our hoenymoon" why not!