I'm a Deadbeat Bride

I’ve been thinking a lot about my pending nuptials. It has been almost a month already, and I’m starting to get the distinct feeling that my time for not having a wedding plan is running out. In all my thinking, a certain Sex and the City episode keeps running through my head. In it, Carrie gets engaged to Aden, and she is trying to get in the bridal mode. She even goes so far as to try on gowns and ends up getting a rash. In her little “inner monologue typing” she says,

“As progressive as our society claims to be, there are still certain life targets we’re all supposed to hit: marriage, babies and a home to call your own. But what if instead of breaking out into a smile, you break out into a rash? Is it something wrong with the system or is it you? And do we really want these things, or are we just programmed?"

I keep going back and forth between wanting a wedding and not wanting anything to do with it. In the days following my engagement I spent a few hours looking at possible locations and possible ideas and I just couldn’t even stomach the thought. A location that costs $3,000 just to rent? Then I have to pay even more for food and booze? I’m getting a little nauseous just at the thought of it. Of course you can go cheaper, but not for a place with any personality or pizzazz.

I know I already posted my idea of a tiny wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center and then a party at Ravinia. I’m still not 100% sold, but I’m getting closer every day. The Ravinia idea has its perks (and its costs) depending on how we did it, but I still think that would be a wonderful idea that would keep the pressure off of doing the typical “wedding” things. No cake cutting, no need for flowers or any of those other trappings. Unfortunately though, lawn seats for Ravina are at least $25 per person, and then if I actually catered food beyond that (yes, Ravinia does that), the price gets up there quickly. The idea of trying to cart in food and booze for even 50 people is a little daunting… although it could definitely be done if necessary.

I’m not going to lie and say there isn’t a little tiny part of me that worries I’m missing out on something by not doing a big production of a wedding. That some day I might regret not having a million formal pictures of me in a big white dress with the family. More often that not, those are pretty fleeting thoughts, and a pretty big “what if someday”. But right now, I’m not a big white dress girl. Zach and I don’t have any type of familial obligations that a lot of other people do. No one is pressuring us to have a big wedding, in fact a few of them have actually nudged us in other directions.

I guess I just have other priorities in my life than a wedding. What I really want is to be married and start living the “rest of my life” part. I dream of making my little craft business something worthwhile and Zach finding a job he loves, is happy in and provides us with enough (between the two of us) for financial stability. I dream of wonderful vacations and making our next house a real home before we have kids. I dream of having kids and being a loving, wonderful, supportive mom. What I don’t dream about is a wedding.

I was getting teary-eyed just writing that, but it is the truth. I dream of bigger and better things than a wedding. I dream of a wonderful, full and amazing life. I know that for a lot of people the wedding party at the beginning of that is a great kick-off, but for us it just isn’t right and I guess what I have to realize is that it is OK to want something other than what I’m “supposed” to want from a wedding.

Zach and I were talking about honeymoons (it’s the one area that he is really interested in!) and I mentioned something about wanting to do a helicopter tour if we went to Hawaii, “since it would probably be the only time we got to go there”. His response was, “Why would you say this is the only time we would go? Who’s to say we won’t be back?” It makes me happy to think that I have a partner who wants to go to Hawaii twice and more importantly provided me with the perspective that I want in this whole process. Who’s to say we can’t do any of this again? Plenty of people have vow-renewal ceremonies, hold big parties for anniversaries and the whole thing. This doesn’t have to be “the” wedding, party, dress, honeymoon etc. If I “regret” whatever choices we make now, we can just do them over in a decade or two.

Wow… this post is really lacking focus. Sorry about that. I tend to think things out through writing, which is exactly what I did here. I feel much better about doing our own thing now, whatever that might be.